Tuesday, September 23, 2008

10 things that kids really need

(i didn't write this but i think there is a lot of truth to it. click on the headline to read more from dirty writer)

1. Stress
Yes, I know they are your precious little status symbols, but if you want them to get to adulthood without becoming addicted to crack or being one of those people who go into hysterics because their car has a flat tire, you need to get them used to stress early. They need to be thrown into situations where they have nobody to help them, to suffer the full consequences of their stupidity. Protecting your kids from the unpleasantness of life is like raising them in a sterile environment then expecting them to thrive in a sewer.

2. Truth, hard and cold
Everybody dies, especially parents. Money is the most important thing in life, you can fuck women in the vagina, but also in the anus as well, the capacity for treachery and all forms of smiling deceit are the most important skills in the working world. Trust no one, not even me, do not hesitate to cause harm to anybody standing in your way. If you want your kid to grow up knowing anything about the way the world works and to be not merely functional, but successful in he world, you need to level with it.

3. Work
Give them a job. They do not, and will never, appreciate the sacrifices you make to provide them with food and a place to sleep, so make money from their lazy asses. It won’t cover their cost, but it will help. If they can’t make you money, then they should at least be able to buy you some relaxation-time by doing your yard-work. They learn the most important thing about adulthood: that it consists of daily doing shit for other people when you can think of a million better things to do with your life. A kid of 10 should be able to do its own laundry and put together at least 4 basic meals from scratch.

4. Freedom
Smothered kids grow up scared, ignorant, and usually turn into the kind of people that get laughed at behind their back. Give your kid a pocket knife, teach it to stab-and-run if approached overly creepy strangers, and let it spend it’s (non-working) spare-time as it pleases. There is no reason a kid over 8 shouldn’t be allowed to venture out via subway or public bus system, no reason why it shouldn’t be allowed to explore its neighborhood.

5. Discipline
Fat, loudmouthed, lazy, whiny, kids are the direct fault of their parents. I am not saying that the kids aren’t responsible for staying that way, but getting that way was mommy and daddy’s doing. Every time your kid disgusts you just remember that you could have done something to keep it from being as bad as it is. Kids left without solid instruction become worthless adults, of value to no one except as prey.

6. An education in stubbornness
You can either raise a quitter, or you can raise a kid who sticks to his guns no matter what. It’s pointless trying to find the balance between the two since you either have balls or you don’t. Pushovers are sometimes hard to push over, but their are still weak little bitches. Stubborn people simply do not ever give in. Keep in mind that this kid may be the one fighting for your life-support to be turned off or left on indefinitely one day.

7. Exposure/Variety
Hicks aren’t only poor people from the country, sometimes they are rich kids in private school, sometimes they are ghetto kids who imagine themselves to be “street smart”. If you don’t want your kid to grow up thinking that Africa is a country, or not knowing that an impala is an animal as well as a vehicle, then continue to shelter them in your little community, your little circle of friends and their kids. Don’t travel with them, don’t force them to read. Keep them thinking that the world is as easy or predictable as TV makes it out to be.

8. Healthy food
Sit in your local mall for about an hour on a Saturday afternoon and people-watch. You will see great number of young people, flaccid, greasy, flabby, spotty young people, many with shit-colored teeth. Kids who grow up pampered and catered to tend to be picky eaters and to like food that will make them look and feel like shit. They imagine themselves to have time, time to one day change their ways and get healthy, but they don’t, you don’t morph from being a lazy slacker just by getting older, it takes sacrifice, and the best time to learn to sacrifice is when young. Kids need to know that or they may will die before you, forcing you to buy caskets with your retirement money.

9. Indifference
Kids need to know that they don’t matter in the big scheme of things unless they do something to make themselves matter. Too much involvement in their lives leads to them being dependent on you and helpless out in the real world. If they have any balls at all they will resent you for being overly attentive, but most often they will just take your attention for granted and get to adulthood thinking that they are interesting, important people. This is partly why people
who grew up in the 90’s are such boring, self-important little fucks, somebody told them that they were precious and significant.

10. Alone-time
One of the greatest lessons you can give to your offspring is the lesson on how to not need other people. If your kid can handle being on it’s own then it can handle pretty much every relationship mind-game that it’s future romantic partners will throw at it. It will learn to not be clingy, have no room for heartbreak, and most importantly, function without regard to what other people think.

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oh, how time flies by....

hayden

babies