so... my intentions were to keep my blog private until this all worked itself out. however, many of my friends have been telling me that for some reason, even though they were invited to view my blog.... they can't log in to view anything. so i was itching to flip the switch. then last week i learned about human nature and conscious versus subconscious behavior. so feel free to view as you wish and post what you want.... but if you won't leave your name keep your thoughts to yourself. I have come to the realization that although i say i want to be the bigger person.... i am not ready to do that just yet. i have come to realize/acknowledge some other things about myself as well. good, bad, or ugly...
i crave the truth. i believe in fairness. if i am not allowed to say my piece, and some sort of understanding is not reached... i cannot resolve the problem as it lives within my head. trust is a must. i have resentment. i am holding onto a lot of anger. i need to be loved for who i am. bobby loves me. i must be treated with respect. i am not a nice person when i feel under attack. i am a great mother. i would be a good wife. i can be a terrific friend. i cannot be your friend because you want me to, it has to go both ways. i am insecure and can be slow to warm up to people. i tend to be very judgemental. my daughter loves me unconditionally. sometimes it's better to keep my mouth shut. being right isn't always a good thing. i have allowed others to disrespect me and not say anything, in an effort to "get along" and show respect for them. allowing others to be rude to me has trained them that it is ok and it is my responsibility to make others aware that it will no longer be tollerated. i am sometimes selfish. i am a horrible would-be-in-law. i have always had fantastic work ethic. people are not always as i see them. i cannot let go of my need for revenge if i feel the scales are not balanced. when i am scorned i don't let it go until it has been made right in my eyes. i need to work on righting this for myself, from within. i generally deal with stuff and move on, if it is not dealt with i cannot move on. i don't care if some people don't like me. i feel guilty for what has become. i miss my brother as he heads off to iraq to fight for our country. i miss my mom, because every little girl needs to feel the love of her mother. i know that i cannot please everybody, but i need to start with myself. i believe that if you don't deal with something it will never go away. i acknowledge that i cannot make people deal with things they would rather ignore. if you cannot take responsibility for yourself i cannot take responsibility for you, i can only be responsible for myself and my family. the people i allow in my life must be genuine, that does not mean that we will always get along but those differences can be resolved. i should not tolerate some people just because i am "supposed" to. i can be socially graceful when needed, not always that convincingly but the effort is there.... until that line is crossed. i feel afraid of my family being discovered. i know that stress is not good for the little one growing inside me. i miss my friends that i don't see very often. i cherish my friends that treat me like family and are always there for the "big" stuff. i understand that some people can go through life and pretend like everything is ok. my truth is: sometimes life isn't ok.... and that's ok because ultimately you learn and grow from those experiences.
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